Snaggletooth Toes

If you are close to me you'll know that the one thing that grosses me out immediately is long toenails. I'm not kidding, anything past the pad of the toe will make me cringe in horror and revulsion. I cut my toenails short, and not just short, more or less to the quick. My husband lets me nowhere near his toes with the clipper, claiming I make him bleed. My petite has no choice, but I've also trained the quick on her toes not to grow up as far, so I can cut her toenails to the appropriately short length. At no time should I feel my toenail bumping up against my shoes. I'm not sure when my short toenail eccentricity began, I've just always needed them short, as far back as I can remember. Maybe it started sometime around when I began running with my mom. It was our bonding time. I think I was around 7 or 8. Ever run so much that you bruise your toenail? The only way to relieve that pressure is to drill a hole in your toenail. It doesn't hurt, but it's just a nasty, smelly experience. I have to take a guess that it led to me cutting short. Over time it developed more into an OCD- Emma Pillsbury- type obsession.

So what has me on such a subject today you ask? Seeing peoples poorly pedicured start-of-spring feet. If you're gonna start wearing sandals, take the time to at least cut & file. Today, at the mall, I saw the gnarliest man toes ever. Really, these things were downright werewolvish. I honestly don't know how Mr. Wolf could get his feet in anything but sandals, so it's a good thing that's what he had on...for him...but not for my sensitive eyes and stomach. I so badly wanted to go buy him a toenail clipper and insist he cut them right there. No one wants to see your snaggletooth toenails. I am so grateful for men with nicely kept toes. My old boss at the Gap, he had the most perfect toenails. We had many a conversation about bad toenails. He shared my disgust for poorly kept feet. He was a pedicure type of guy. Even my very manly guy's guy brother in law gets pedicures, and if he can and still hold onto his man card, ALL of you men can go indulge yourselves in a pedicure. Do it for your loved ones so we don't have to feel your claws up against us at night.

My distaste for long toenails also extends to the most ridiculous sight I have ever had the experience of witnessing, acrylic toenails. Really? You need to make your toenails longer??! I get the occasional acrylic toenail if you've lost one of yours, or half of one, but it really does not need to be obvious. This couples along with the most ridiculous pedicure choice, the french tipped toenails. Again, why do I want to make my toenails look long? I shake my head whenever I see women with french pedicures. I'm the traditional, get a solid color type of girl...with a cute little flower for flair. My belief is that french tips belong on fingernails, and nowhere else.

With all that said, I'll be going for a pedicure tomorrow and trying not to gawk at all the women with their long talon toenails and their ridiculous french pedicures. I'm thinking a nice violet for my tootsies.